There’s a Good Reason Why Women Treat Men Like Hot Glass
What men who leave “not all men” comments on my writing need to understand about women’s fears
When you work in a lab, you quickly learn not to touch random things lying around.
For one thing, every item might be covered in something you can’t see that’s poisonous, acidic or carcinogenic. And if it is a glass container, it might be hot. Very hot.
I mean, blistering your fingers hot. Scorching your flesh and sticking to it hot.
We used to joke about Murphy’s Law for chemists: “Hot glass looks exactly like cold glass.”
And it does. You can’t tell if it’s hot just by looking at it.
So you learn not to touch glass unless you’re absolutely sure it’s cooled down and can’t hurt you.
And the same was unfortunately true for the male tutors and professors.
Just by looking at them, you’d never know which of them would make snide remarks about women’s inability to understand science.
Which one would be the creep who’d touch you inappropriately.
The one who’d stand way too close for comfort. Or stare at your breasts for minutes and make unsolicited comments about the beauty of your eyes.
Sure, it wasn’t all of them, but you couldn’t tell just by looking. You had to know them to understand who wouldn’t hurt you.
They all looked equally harmless.
Women know not all men are bad
Whenever I read a comment on one of my articles that starts with “But not all men,” I immediately get an “ick.”
What makes you think I’m talking about all men?
Why do you feel I’m including you in my statement about some men doing heinous things?
Maybe I’m wrong, but I immediately assume you’re one of those men.
Unfair? Sure, not all men who leave this comment are necessarily perpetrators. But none of the many good men I know has ever responded with “not all men” when confronted with injustice or violence against women.
Their reaction is to think about ways to support the victim.
They taught me that a good man feels no urge to defend himself against an accusation against men he knows has nothing to do with him.
He’s more focused on changing the situation for the victim than worrying about himself.
My husband is one of the good men. When I complain about things men do that negatively affect me or other women, he feels no urge to tell me he’s not like them.
If anything, he is shocked when he finds out about some new misdeed someone has committed. Because he can’t imagine behaving like that.
He doesn’t need confirmation from me that I’m not talking about him.
He knows he’s not one of them, and I know it too.
We both know that not all men are the same.
Just as we both know, he’s neither a misogynist nor a racist.
When a racist incident happens here in Austria, and someone says, “Austrians are so racist,” he also feels no need to push back and say he’s not racist.
His immediate reaction isn’t to defend himself but to commiserate with the victim.
For me, this is the humane, kind reaction to learning something terrible has happened or is happening to someone.
We know that not all members of any group are the same
If your first reaction to people talking about their negative experiences with another group of people is defense of the group, not the victim, I will question your moral compass.
It doesn’t matter if it’s men, white people, rich people, police officers or any other group we’re talking about. We always know it’s not all of them.
Yes, not all cops shoot black people.
But if the police shoot a black person and you comment on the article about that incident with “all lives matter” because the author said that black lives matter. Then you are a racist.
Not all white people are beneficiaries of racial bias in our society.
But if I write about how problematic it is to abolish the teaching of critical race theory and systemic racism, and you slide into my comments to tell me that not all white people are racist. You very likely are one.
Not all rich people are exploiters.
But if you feel the urge to comment this on an article discussing why we need to tax billionaires more. Talking about how the distribution of wealth has shifted and people are struggling to survive, then I’ll assume you’re okay with the exploitation of people.
Not all men are misogynists who see women as servants and don’t lift a finger around the house.
Not all men rape women. Not all men believe in patriarchy. Not all men have the power to change the system. Not all men profit from the way the world is today.
We know this. You don’t have to tell us.
Sometimes, the good ones in the group are the rule. Sometimes, they’re the exception. Most commonly, it’s a spectrum.
But if I talk about it, there’s always a negative impact on someone that we should focus on.
Talking about women’s issues is not misandry
I write about real problems that women face. Many of them I’ve experienced first-hand.
Not all men believe that women’s opinions don’t matter, but every young woman I’ve mentored has asked me what she should do about the men who speak over her or interrupt her at work.
Not all men believe that women can’t be experts, but all the women I know have been publicly mansplained to.
Not all men sexually assault women, but every woman I know has a #MeToo story.
Gender pay gap, the double burden of work and family care, sexual harassment in the workplace, rape or just diet culture.
I write about it. I link to the research and statistics that back it up. I explicitly say “some men” to emphasize it isn’t all men. Doesn’t matter. Some man will take it upon himself to tell me that “it’s not all men’s fault.”
And that I’m a misandrist.
If I write about how much more likely it is for a woman to be a victim of sexual assault than for a man to be falsely accused of it, some men will tell me that “not all men” are to blame.
If I write about how some men use AI to hurt women, someone will tell me, “Not all men do that.” Or that it’s okay because all men undress women in their minds anyway.
Apparently, it’s okay to defend something vile some men do by saying, “All men do it.”
And I’m left wondering what’s wrong with the men who leave these comments.
I want to ask them, “What have you done that is so similar to this behavior that you count yourself among the men being blasted in this article? Why are you so afraid of being mistaken for one of them you can’t focus on the victims?”
It’s not misandry to point out that there’s a gender pay gap, that women are sexually assaulted in the workplace, and that they suffer from doing most of the unpaid work in the world.
If you think it is, that’s not all men’s fault, but you’re a part of the problem.
It’s not all men, but it might be you
Women have learned to be cautious when interacting with men. We repeatedly check if someone is walking behind us in the dark.
We meet strange men in well-lit public places.
We avoid lonely places and parking garages at night.
We take every precaution possible not to become a victim of an assault.
We only spend time alone with men if we know them really well and believe we can trust them.
And even then, we might be mistaken.
Hot glass looks exactly like cold glass. Men who rape and assault women look exactly like all other men.
Many of them are well-respected, polite, “nice” people.
We can’t tell which men will hurt us by looking at them.
Sure, it’s not all men. But it might be you. So I’ll treat you like hot glass until I’m sure I don’t have to.
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The reason that you get the comment is because of your implication. That because I object obviously means that I’m being duplicitous. That I am in fact “ one of those people”. I’m being blamed for being a colonist, a racist, a rapist, a misogynist, homophobe, a… well, you get the point. And by implication now I can’t even say or even offer proof that I’m not any of those things because if I object then, well, I am, aren’t I? I’m sorry, but either this article was poorly written or it’s complete nonsense. Good men as well as bad men exist. As well as good woman have their monstrous woman counterparts. I don’t think this article advanced anyone’s understanding of anything helpful. It’s just made it all too abundantly clear that society appears to be breaking all the norms that advance a more civil society.